Why Is It Difficult to Be a Teen Parent and How to Bring Change in Your Teen
At the moment when our children enter college, we must begin to transform ourselves into teenage parents, says child psychiatrist Marie-Rose Moro. We do it by necessity, but we can also have some difficulties because becoming a teenager means accepting psychological losses. The explanations of the specialist.
The loss of our "little"
"To become a teenage parent means, in my opinion, facing a series of losses and seeing our adolescence awakened by that of our daughter or our son. Not easy, especially in a society, where ambient youthism does not help us to become a teen parent.
The first loss that we, parents, have to accept with our child's adolescence is the loss of our "little one". He begins to change physically, to go beyond, he constantly asks to go out to find his friends. We already live it as the projected loss of the great who will leave ... so there are so many problems faced by teenagers but if you give special attention to such teen, we can help him/ her.
Soaring our ideals
The adolescence of our child brings us to live another loss, that of a number of our ideals of parents.
More or less consciously, did we not have in mind the idea that our children would repair all that we could not do: to be a doctor, a violinist, to have a diploma, etc.?? And now we are invited to confront reality and mourn some of our dreams!
Of course, we started to change our ideas by seeing our son or our daughter grow up, but we must understand that these ideas we carry them in us, we can not evacuate them. I would not mind if my son is not an artist, if I had this idea in me, I would be disappointed, and in case of difficulties, I could even blame him. Although she holds much more to me - and to my personal dreams - than to him, this disappointment exists, he will be able to feel it, which will not facilitate him the task when he will have to find his way.
It must be known that our fantasies are much greater than our actual losses. It's kind of easier for us to accept, for example, that our son is moving 300 kilometers later, because it's in the process of things, that he's disappointed us.
In turn to have children
A third loss comes to affect us during the adolescence of our children, that of our full vitality. The adolescence of the children brings us to one of the last stages of maturation. We know that once the children have left, it's up to them to have children, it's no longer our turn. There are societies in Africa, where once children are pubescent, parents are no longer allowed to have children. "
How to find the right distance with your teen?
Not easy to be a teen parent! Admittedly, a teenager is no longer a child and it is a question of not forgetting him: we can not protect him anymore as when he was 8 years old. Yet he needs our authority, clear boundaries. If only to challenge them! The explanations of the child psychiatrist, Marie Rose Moro.
The right distance depends on both the parents' style and the children's needs. It is true that some teenagers never change but some teens still need a close relationship with their parents, to be touched, caressed, and others cannot stand it anymore. Some need to talk about everything or almost everything and others feel like copying the fact that they are asked to tell their day!
This is why we can not better define the correct distance than by this sentence: the right distance is the one that allows the adolescent to be a teenager and parents to be parents. It is more of a subtle balance than a list of attitudes to adopt or avoid. We realize this when we have several children: the right distance is not necessarily the same with everyone. If we all do the same thing, we risk for one to do too much and for others not enough.
Mother-daughter relations, attention
Being the best friend of his daughter can be nice for a mother, but not very structuring for the teenager. A relationship model that is easy to talk about is, of course, more warm and friendly than a model where teens do not have the right to talk to their parents. But if her mother is her best friend, it means that she no longer has a mother: where is the mother? Where is the father?
Behave as a friend with him is not structuring
Clearing the differences of generations, of sex, is problematic because these differences make it possible to be structured, to be identified. As parents, we must ensure a position "above" to protect and ban if necessary.
The difference between the generations makes it possible in particular that our parents assume a function of protection and limits with respect to the child. He will gradually internalize these functions to set limits on his own, without the need to be told not to take risks or not to touch drugs that could harm him. Similarly on sexuality. This is how he will find his relationship with others, with his parents.
Is it not our goal to get our teens to internalize the boundaries? Are they able to take a look at what they have to do? so that they can be autonomous individuals? But if we play the best friend, we erase one of our parenting functions, the protection-structuring function and we do not favor the separation work that our children have to do.
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