It's normal in this life's experience to come into contact with needy people from time to time. I'm sure you can identify with this. Have you thought about whether it's a good idea to permit needy people to lean on you though? On that you might not be doing what's good for them or for you?
What are some of the elements that create neediness? These individuals embody several inaccurate senses, like: I'm not capable; I'm too scared; You can do it better; I'm just shy." They will either have the behavior of whining about their incapability or their joyless life, or they will use attention-getting behaviors in public.
Behind each of these is the key idea: Please Pay Attention to Me. The attention they crave is seldom seen by them to be negative, destructive, co-dependent, or demanding. They simply need attention, and that subjective need overrides all objective understanding of the situation.
We'll be looking at two key points to understand this neediness and then we'll be looking at ways to remove their burden from you to free you up to Be the Change you need to be so that you can make progress in your own life without being the source of supply for their needs.
Why Are They Needy?
People who are needy have multiple individual differences which have fostered that neediness. Their reasons are far too numerous to list completely. Some might have lost favoritism with a parent due to the birth of a more-favored sibling. Some weren't taught how good they were. Some never learned they were capable. Insecurity underlies neediness, and many needy people also demand a great deal of attention. A needy person obtains all the attention they desire if they resort to immaturity and excessive emotional displays.
Picture a small child who wants a particular item in a store. Her parent says "No." She throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming. The parent, embarrassed in public, buys her the gift to quiet her down and alleviate their own embarrassment. This sets the tone for the child's next need, because she now knows what she has to do to get what she wants. This is a cycle born innocently enough that grows into other forms in adulthood and it is a cycle that needs to be broken.
Why Do They Continue to Be Needy?
It would be a travesty of justice if each one of us was put here with needs we were incapable of providing. It would be a travesty for us to have been created incapable. Unless someone told you "Yes, you can do it" or "Come on now. How can you make you happy here?then you'll expect somebody else to provide what you think you need. This is the situation where needy people expect you to solve their problems; to provide for them; to listen to them endlessly while they whine. The focus will have to be turned from 'you' to 'them and their capabilities' in order to stop the leaning.
How Can I Best Help Them?
It may be difficult for you, but in order to help them stop their behavior, the first thing you can do is to stop responding to their neediness. Don't foster any attention on them. You can place the responsibility on them to fulfill their own desires and take the focus off your great problem-solving skills. "What do you think you should do?" is a great question to put the responsibility for the solution in their lap. If you continue to provide their needs, they will never become stronger.
The next thing you can do is to encourage the needy person to find their own solutions. When you hear them come up with a great idea, applaud it. This will boost their self confidence. It might be wise at this point to share with them that you are highly involved in Being the Change yourself, and let them know that they can Be the Change along side you. You might share your sources of inspiration with them. As you see them paying greater attention to themselves and thus getting stronger, tell them that. You will be helping them to overcome this burdensome problem.
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