Soft addictions come in all shapes and sizes, but they are any normal (and sometimes necessary) behaviors that you overdo. They become soft addictions when you overuse them for more than their intended purpose. Soft addictions, unlike hard addictions such as drugs and alcohol, are seductive in their softness. E-mailing, Internet surfing, smoking or chewing tobacco, and talking on your cell phone seem like perfectly harmless, pleasurable activities while you’re engaged in them. But when you realize how much time and energy you devote to them, you can start to see how they keep you from having more time, health, money, energy, consciousness, love, and meaning.
But how do you know the difference between a pleasurable pastime and a soft addiction? If you surf the Internet or watch television for one hour per day, is it only a harmless habit, but if you do it for four hours a day, is it a soft addiction? It’s not just the time you spend that differentiates a soft addiction from a harmless pastime. Here are a few questions to help you define this line and recognize that your behavior is a soft addiction:
What is your motivation behind the activity?
Is your motivation to escape from your life, numb your feelings, or avoid an uncomfortable situation? Or is your motivation to keep yourself inspired, to learn, or to experience new things? For instance, the Internet can be a fantastic window into new worlds, with new ideas leading to meaningful pursuits. Usually people who use the internet in this way consciously choose the websites they are visiting, have a purpose in mind, and stick to that purpose.
Surfing the Internet can be a soft addiction when it becomes a means to escape or avoid work. If you find yourself mindlessly reading through websites or watching videos online, becoming obsessed with checking certain blogs of people you’ve never even met, obsessively checking e-mail, going online during your break, (rather than actually refreshing yourself by taking a walk, speaking to a coworker, nibbling a healthy snack, or calling a friend) you are caught in a soft addiction.
How do you feel when you are doing the activity?
If you’re checked out, not fully engaged, or have a “nobody’s home” look on your face, you’re zoning out and the goal of your activity is numbness. Although physically engaged in an activity, your mind is elsewhere. After the activity, you don’t remember what you’ve seen, done, or read. While this often happens when surfing the Internet, it can also occur while watching TV, shopping, having superficial conversations, flipping through magazines, or other activities. Or if you feel agitated, “high”, driven, or distracted, chances are you are in the throes of a soft addiction.
On the other hand, if you feel clear, centered, and present, or you are engaged in learning, growing, and are enhanced by the activity, you are involved in a positive pastime or a passion. Be careful not to confuse the two.
Does an irresistible urge drive you to indulge a particular behavior or mood?
You might feel helpless or powerless and be unable to stop or reduce the amount of time spent on a given activity. You feel compulsively driven, and although you may find some transient pleasure, you often don’t feel good about yourself after engaging in it. You persist in following the routine, saying to yourself, “I’ll never do this again.” Though you try to stop, you can’t.
Are you defensive or do you make excuses for your behavior?
If so, chances are it’s a soft addiction. Defense and rationalization are simply excuses or explanations we use to justify a compulsive behavior. Both of these behaviors blunt our self-awareness and lower our expectations of ourselves. To make our actions acceptable, we ignore, conceal, or gloss over the real motive or cost. Either we maintain that a habit isn’t a problem or we rationalize why it’s an acceptable or necessary way to spend our time. “Smoking a few cigarettes a day isn’t really that bad for me” is a typical rationalization. We may deny that the hours spent surfing the internet are a waste of time and energy or rationalize that we need to eat more sugary snacks because we are tired. The impulse to deny or rationalize a routine suggests a soft addiction.
Do you hide the evidence?
Beware of habits that become guilty pleasures you seek to hide. Covering up the amount of time you spend on an activity or lying to others about how you frequently spend your time or your money are signs of soft addictions. In other words, you feel ashamed of what you’re doing and that’s why you want to hide it from others.
Are soft addictions a crime? No. But they extract a very real cost in your life—substituting a superficial high or sense of activity for a sense of genuine purpose and fulfillment. In a very real sense, we become hooked on these habitual behaviors to zone out, feel busy, numb painful feelings, or avoid anxieties that keep us from meeting our deeper hungers for love, beauty, spirituality, and meaning. Rather than finding true stress relief, we overdo these behaviors and undermine our health and our well-being.
In order to let go of these bad habits, take the first step and acknowledge that you have them. The important question to ask is not “Do I have soft addictions?” but rather “Which soft addictions do I have?” This simple awareness can be very powerful in helping you to not only break free of these habits but to gain back the time, money, energy, and relationships you deserve. Do you want a healthier life with more intimacy, meaning, fulfillment, engagement, and satisfaction? Take the first step, break the denial, and recognize the soft addictions getting in your way of a wholesome, healthy life.
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DR. JUDITH WRIGHT, www.judithwright.com, is a lifestyles expert, educator, coach, inspirational speaker, best-selling author, and corporate consultant. Author of The One Decision and The Soft Addiction Solution, Judith has been called one of “America’s Ultimate Experts” by Women’s World magazine. Judith demystifies what it takes to lead a great life in all areas—career satisfaction and success, meaningful relationships, a thriving family life, career fulfillment, and more. A media favorite, Judith has appeared on over 450 radio stations and 70 television shows. Judith co-founded the Wright Leadership Institute in Chicago—a cutting edge coaching and training institute and the Wright Institute for the Realization of Human Potential (formerly the Wright Graduate Institute), offering Master’s and Doctoral degrees in Human Development.
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