In terms of recovery outlook, how abused you are doesn’t matter as much as how abusive you are.
One of my professional and personal interests has been to interview people who have been extremely abusive and see how they feel about their abusive behavior. When I ask the questions in a non-shaming way, people usually confess to their horrible guilt and shame. They do not let others see this because they feel so bad already that they don’t want others to hurt them any further. It is like a child who won’t let you take out her splinter for fear that it will make it hurt more than it already does.
One of my clients Michael was a good example of this. He had cheated on his wife several times and hated himself for his behavior. But because his guilt was so painful, he tried to hide that tender spot from everyone. He portrayed anger to those he loved in order to shield his wounds of shame. Many people use this same coping mechanism.
If we come to understand this behavior pattern, abusive people’s actions will make a lot more sense to us. Some people think that if they act like grizzly bears on the outside, they can avoid getting hurt because no one will come close enough to hurt them. Well, they’re right about one thing, no one can come close. The problem is that this isolation brings its own kind of pain. In addition, by being harsh and abusive with others, they only add to that mound of shame that they are trying to hide. It makes for a miserable existence. In working so hard to make sure that no one else hurts them, they usually end up hurting themselves at least as badly.
In contrast to this reality, most television shows, movies, and novels make it seem like abusers have no conscience. The classic villain is a person who can carry out all sorts of dastardly deeds without a twinge of conscience. This antagonist is wicked to the bone and can grin with genuine (albeit perverse) pleasure as he causes others to suffer. Many of us come to believe that this is a realistic picture of our own abusers, and that this is how we would feel if we ever decided to go down that same path. Well, before you feel too tempted and start thinking “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” let me assure you that this is not the case. It is a very inaccurate portrayal of how life really is.
In reality, abusers hate themselves and their lives, even if they don’t show it to the outside world. The only exception to this is a sociopath, and these are very rare. So rare, in fact, that chances are, you’ve never known one. So we must not think that all the bad people in our lives are sociopaths. Your abusers feel shame and suffer when they hurt you. Sometimes remembering this fact makes it easier to hold back from lashing out. Rest assured that they will reap what they have sown. You don’t have to dirty your own hands by trying to get involved in the process.
If you are still not convinced that abusive behavior produces a miserable life, try to think of five people whom you have known personally or known about who were mean and cruel to others during their lives. Look and see how their lives turned out. Sometimes you will have to wait until they are older to see the results. Who still loves them? How is their quality of life? Just maybe, one of them will tell you how he or she spent much of his or her life in self-hatred. They guard this secret very well because they are in such torment, they do not want to let others have a chance to inflict further wounds. Their lives end up so horribly because they hate themselves.
Abusive people can choose to change, but that involves taking a long, hard, honest look at themselves, facing what they’ve done, and then working through the shame, pain, sorrow, and anger. Because this is so difficult, most chronically abusive people choose to keep acting-out on others while avoiding self-reflection. You see, someone who has been abused but chooses not to become an abuser can find the courage, given a supportive environment, to face the memories of their abuse and do Anger Work about them.
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