In addition to the four general components of all therapies described earlier, I have formulated a specific methodology, also divided into four stages, which I find especially useful when working with couples.
Together, we explore the name of the game that perpetuates their conflicts, how the game is played, that is, kept going, and how to quit the game and replace it with something new and different. This approach gives the couple a broad outline of where they are and how to get to where they wish to be.
1. What is the name of the game?
By this I mean, what is the nature of the problem?
What links to the past determine how each person organizes his life and relates intimately with others? What words describe the music of the couples conflictful dance? Defining their difficulties delineates the shared Need system reflected by a couples twinship. We choose our partners because their struggles mesh with ours, and our joint conflict becomes manifested in the marriage. By naming the game, the couple understands the dynamic formulation that describes their modus operandi.
2. How is the game continuing to be played?
What behaviors perpetuate the very thing the couple wish to be different? In other words, how are they continuing to express what they once Needed rather than what they now Want?
3. Quitting.
Quitting, similar to the separation and application phases of therapy, entails applying what has been learned in the two prior stages. This is a major step for most couples because, regardless of their ages or how long they have been married, stopping behaviors learned in childhood that perpetuate problems symbolizes emotionally leaving home for the first time. Never before have they risked going through zero by breaking away from their Need chains in favor of having what they Want. A great deal of sadness, anxiety, and fear may accompany this process. A person may grieve the loss of what might have been but never will be. Recall the mans dream of seeing himself as the boy he once was in a gutter.
4. Doing something new and different.
Although clearing out the old is necessary for creating space for the new, it is the beginning, not the end. The absence of the negative is not the same as the presence of the positive. The couple now has the opportunity to actually experience, not just fantasize about, what they Want, or desire, in their relationship. They have to be patient and diligent, however. Doing something truly new and different feels awkward, stilted, unnatural, even mechanical. This is to be expected. Just as when learning to dance, it is a clumsy endeavor; not until the behavior is well practiced does it come off as smooth and natural.
Copyright (c) 2010 Sheldon Kardener
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