We all know that divorce is hardest on kids. No matter what the reasons for the break-up, kids tend to wish it would all go away, and that their parents would just kiss and make up. No matter how bad their family lives, or unhappy their parents are, kids like familiarity better then change. After all, they are already coping with a lot in their lives, and Mom and Dad's split is just one more scary event they have to understand and accept.
Just think of what your kids have to face in their daily lives. Teachers are demanding that they learn new subjects and skills every day. The material is not anything they can apply to their real worlds. After all, learning about arithmetic and geography doesn't help them deal with the friend who won't play with them, or the bully who is teasing them.
When they get home, there is more school work to be done. The kid may think his time is better spent in front of the TV or computer, but if he doesn't crack the books, Mom and Dad know he won't get very far in life. Kids have trouble internalizing the fact that they are preparing for adulthood. Remember, all their experiences so far, are as children, and it is hard for them to understand that they are learning things now that will actually be valuable to them later. After all, later is not a concept kids feel.
If the pressure of school and homework aren't enough, kids are forced to do other things in their lives that seem useless to them. Getting along with friends or siblings by compromising seems ridiculous to someone whose world view is naturally self centered. Not hitting a smaller child back when the little kid started it just seems unfair. The fact that they are bigger and can cause more damage may seem like a good reason for restraint to an adult, but to a kid, it just seems like Mom or Dad taking sides.
Because kids feel things differently then their parents, it is important that they not be expected to immediately adjust to the news that their family is about to undergo a big change. Try not to introduce too many new factors at once. It is best if both parents can sit down with the kids to explain what is going to happen.
Give them a little time to adjust to the news and ask any questions they may have. Remember, the things you think are important may not be what your kids need to hear in the beginning. If you listen to them, you can pick up valuable information about their thoughts and concerns. In turn, you will better be able to guide them into their new situation.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
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