Assertiveness… The Number One Secret Of Getting What You Want

Assertiveness is having the ability to say what you desire, need or do not desire or need, in a calm, direct and courteous manner, at the same respecting the needs and rights of others without being aggressive about it. In other words it means not saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”. Or the other way round, depending on the conversation.
One definition of assertiveness is that it is a midway point between being passive and being aggressive, although this not a definition that I exactly agree with.
Being assertive is the opposite of allowing other people’s needs, rights or opinions to override your own. If you permit that kind of self-denying behavior to occur you may end up feeling hurt and angry.
Some people feel that if they assert their own legitimate rights and feelings that they are somehow acting in a selfish way. This is really not the case. Only if you concerned yourself solely with your own rights and needs regardless of those of others, would you be acting in a selfish manner
Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Aggressiveness is any kind of behavior that involves attempting to gain power over others. Threats, sarcasm, bullying etc. are all examples of aggressive behavior which is not acceptable. It is also likely to be counter-productive in that it will almost certainly produce an angry defensive or aggressive response from the other party.
On the other hand though, being too passive is not the way to be either. Sometimes we kind of feel that we constantly have to be “nice” to people. If by being “nice” we mean being over-polite and compliant, then No! That is being too passive. Be courteous and pleasant by all means, but not weakly passive. That would mean allowing the other person to dominate you and that is unlikely to get you anywhere. Have you ever noticed that some people, who have a tendency to be constantly “nice” to people, sometimes, if they are pushed too far, can suddenly explode with anger and overreact in the opposite direction, becoming extremely aggressive? This can happen when that person keeps their true feelings locked inside in their effort to be “nice” all the time. They often expect that others should be able to detect their hurt or anger even if they haven’t voiced those feelings. Underneath they may be feeling frustrated at having to hold in their concerns that they’re being exploited and taken advantage of. That resentment builds up to a point where they can no longer hold it in and it inappropriately explodes from them like a volcano and then they may take it out on someone who is totally unconnected with the problem!
It is important to set yourself clear boundaries by learning to clearly state your wants in a non-threatening manner but without having to make unnecessary apologies. It is also helpful to realize that others may have different points of view from your own and to take them into consideration and accept that it is not possible to get your own way all of the time. Neither will it be possible for you to straight away change from being somewhat passive to being a more assertive person. It will take time and persistence, but with persistence you will make this change; just try experimenting with different ways of communicating.
Assertion Rights
You have the right to state your views and needs as an independent person.
You have the right to expect the respect of others, as well as the obligation to extend the same right to them.
You have the right to say “yes” or “no” to anything that is asked of you.
You have the same right to make mistakes or change your mind in the same way as anyone else.
You have the right not to be held responsible for other people’s actions.
You have the right not to have to be dependent on other people’s approval for your personal views.
You have the right to insist that you not be spoken to in an aggressive or threatening way.
It is also necessary to understand that with rights, also come obligations. Particularly the obligation to extend to others, those same rights that you yourself expect to receive.