Improving your marriage may not be necessary if you keep the fires burning in the first place. That is a bit like saying I wouldn't be poor if I had lots of money. However, if you have spent all of the good will in your marriage, there is still a chance you won't have to file divorce. You both have to work on the marriage, but reconciliation is more likely if one of you is willing to start the process.
Jewlry and candy are nice, but they don't make up for years of relationship neglect. Here are some things that may help you renew the marriage. Not only are they more personal, but they are also free.
1. Try to remember your first date. Where did you go? What did you do? What did you talk about? What made you decide a second date with him / her would be a good thing?
The person who you're unhappy with now is the same one you learned to love enough to commit yourself to for life. Things have changed. Both of you have gotten older, and life's events have collected around you. Maybe if you strip away the problems, like the overdue mortgage or the fact you haven't had a vacation for years, you can reconnect with the things that attracted you to each other in the beginning.
I asked a friend of mine once why she dated her ex-husband. She could have had any boy in her class when she was in high school. But, she only had eyes for him. He wasn't rich. He wasn't good looking. In fact, he had acne and was over weight. I had never disliked him, but to hear my friend talk about him now, you would have to assume he was an ax murderer.
She thought about my question for a long moment. It took her by surprise because she was giving me a run down of his latest bad actions. Finally, she spoke, "I had had a really bad day at work, and I was cleaning up a big mess in the employee's lounge when I looked up to see him holding a puppet in front of me. He somehow managed to make the puppet give me the same smile he had on his face. It made me laugh ..." At this point, her voice drifted away dreamily. Then, she suddenly came back. "I guess a big part of me still loves him."
If she had thought about the puppet when she was unhappy with him while they were still married, maybe the memory would have softened her reactions to him. Instead of engaging in the kind of roof raising arguments the neighbors got to share, she could have told him what she wanted from him that he wasn't giving. She could have assumed that he would be willing to act in a different way or do things she wanted if he was given a chance. Instead, she jumped to the conclusion he was intentionally trying to displease her, and reacted defensively. She forgot the boy with the grinning puppet, and only saw a man whose biggest goal in life was to disappoint her.
2. Get out more. You don't have to go to the most expensive restaurant in town. Just go for a long walk or bike ride. Take a class together. Join a bridge club. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is something you both like. Don't place high expectations on your night out. Just enjoy it. It may take a few "date nights", but if you get away from your every day problems and routines a couple of times each week, you may find that you begin to look forward to your time together, rather than letting the other persons faults dominate your thoughts of them.
3. It is important to talk about your problems, but you don't have to do it all the time. I remember an "All In The Family" episode where Michael greeted the African American character, Lynel with the latest news about civil rights legislation every time they met. Lynel complained about this once, observing that it would be nice if Michael could just talk about everyday things with him occasionally.
"What do you want me to talk about? The weather?" Michael was outraged.
"Black people have weather too," Lynel reminded him.
This is something married people often forget when they talk. Instead of saying, "how would you like to go for a walk, the flowers are coming up, and they're so pretty," they resort to "I think the roof needs replaced," or "we have to do something about Jimmy's grades." Certainly, the new roof is necessary, and the kid is flunking out of school. You have to decide together what to do about these things. But, there are other things that are also good for conversation. If you focus on these non-pressure topics more often, you might find the harder stuff easier to think about when you get around to it. After all, flowers come up for married people, too.
Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen
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